


aftermath

by cougarlips



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 212 spoilers, Aftermath of Torture, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Emotional Hurt, Flashbacks, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Mental Instability, POV Third Person, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-11-15 05:08:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11223960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cougarlips/pseuds/cougarlips
Summary: It used to be that Alec always fit securely inside a neat little box inside Magnus’s head. He was a Shadowhunter, yes, but he was… he was Alec. He was a protector.





	aftermath

It used to be that Alec always fit securely inside a neat little box inside Magnus’s head. He was a Shadowhunter, yes, but he was… he was _Alec._  He was a protector. He was a caretaker. He risked his life to save young warlocks; he fought with every ounce of his being to protect the people he loved. He was a soldier, yes. He was raised to lack empathy, to believe in the Clave’s idea of justice unflinchingly and without question, but they couldn’t stamp his autonomy out of him. They couldn’t stamp out how much he cared so deeply, nor how he _could_ recognise the injustice and prejudice of his people. It made him a special case amongst other Shadowhunters because yes, he was proud, he was unyielding, he was a warrior ready to strike and there was a reason he was next in line to become the head of the New York Institute -- but he could and would throw it away for his brother and sister, for Jace and Izzy. He would abandon it all to protect the ones who mattered.

It intrigued Magnus at first, the way this man could be so lethal yet so gentle, the way he could kill Circle members without blinking and in the same breath ask Izzy if she was okay (and she always was, of course, because she was Alec’s sister and she was as capable as he).

It intrigued him because Alec was an anomaly, it seemed: the eldest of the Lightwood children, the son of Maryse and Robert, parabatai with the infamous Jace Wayland. His name alone meant he _should_ have been as strict as the rest of his people -- moreso, even, because he was a Lightwood. He should have been a hardass, the type of guy who sneered down at Downworlders and hid behind thinly veiled racism, who looked down at Magnus especially not only for his blood but also for his sexuality.

But Alec was the opposite. He was so glaringly empathetic, but it was clear the Clave tried to train it out of him. He cared so deeply about his family, about his siblings, about the injustice he saw but could do little about it except support his sister any way that he could.

He was different because Magnus could see the interest in his eyes when they met inside Pandemonium, and _that_ was not something found very often amongst Shadowhunters.

They fought side by side and Magnus understood wholly that the man he loved was a soldier, could incapacitate and kill without a second’s hesitation, but still he felt so confident that Alec was always a protector, always on the side of good even when his family and the Clave tried to prove Magnus wrong.

He knew he was wrong, and he didn’t know where to put Alec in his head.

He wanted to believe Alec was the same man who held Magnus when he overexerted himself. He wanted to believe Alec was the same man who helped clean Magnus’s loft even though he didn’t have to, had no reason to. He wanted to believe Alec was still the same man who went back to protect Madzie and Iris’s other warlock children even when his life was on the line, because he was a protector and a caretaker at heart and could never hurt the ones he loved.

But then Magnus remembered the way Alec grabbed his collar and threw him against the wall. The way Alec looked at him with venom in his eyes and hatred on his tongue. The way Alec bound him, gagged him, nearly killed him--

He knew in the back of his mind that if Alec had _known_ it was Magnus, he would never have done any of those things, but Magnus _told him_. Magnus knew no one else would know those details. _Alec_ knew no one else would know those details, least of all Valentine Morgenstern.

Magnus understood why Alec would find excuses, would choose not to believe the face of _Valentine_ of all people, but it didn’t stop the hurt that ran rampant inside Magnus’s chest because if anything could have convinced Alec of the truth, it would have been the omamori charm.

He wanted to remember Alec’s gentle hands cradling him, his fingers caressing his elbow, moving to his waist, holding him close and holding him _tight_ because he was scared if he let go Magnus would disappear, but every time he closed his eyes he thought of the look of fury in Alec’s eyes, fury directed at _him_.

Magnus both wanted to see him and didn’t, wanted to be held by him but didn’t, wanted to hear his apologies but knew Alec wasn’t truly the one at fault. It made his head spin and his heart ache as he sat alone on his bed, his hands shaking in his lap.

He knew, at the end of the day, that Alec loved him. He knew, at the end of the day, that it wasn’t _his own_ fault that Alec couldn’t trust the face of Valentine, even if he had Magnus’s words. But it didn’t make the hurt hurt any less.

His hands opened his phone and saw Raphael’s name flash across the screen, Dot’s soon following, then Cat’s and Luke’s but he couldn’t unlock the screen to see their messages any more than he could still the tremors wracking his body.

Centuries flashed before his eyes every time he blinked, past mingling with the present to create horrors truly unique to Magnus and Magnus alone. His mother, swinging back and forth above him; his father (step-father, he reminded himself absently, because the difference was important to distinguish in his half-dazed and pained state) with his hands around Magnus’s throat, pulling him underneath water; Alec, his eyes burning much the same as his step father’s in that moment but it hurt more because at least Alec loved him--

He couldn’t be alone. It hurt too much to be left alone; his memories could cut him to the core harsher and faster than any living nightmare Azazel could manipulate.

Magnus could hear Alec cleaning in another part of his loft, and though he wasn’t sure he could altogether face Alec it comforted him to know he was there, doing what he could to help Magnus in this impossible situation.

Alec may not have had a set role in Magnus’s mind anymore, could no longer fit securely in the role of _protector_ but it didn’t change the fact that he would do everything and anything in his power to make it right. Magnus’s own words regarding Alec came back to him and he actually chuckled -- though it hurt to call it a laugh, because something wet and thick pulled at his throat that felt suspiciously like a sob -- at the irony of them: “ _You’ll blow up the very ground you stand on to make something right_.”

The sound of glass clinking in the other room rang in his ears and he turned his attention back on the doorway, at Alec casting shadows down the hall. He _would_ do everything he could to make the situation right again.

Magnus stood up slowly, his body still feeling not quite his own, his magic still feeling just barely _off_ despite himself.

His other words came back to him and he decided, for once in his life, to take his own advice.

“ _When things get crazy… don’t push me away._ ”

**Author's Note:**

> 212 still has me fucked up and i have like 3 different wips all abt magnus and dealing w the aftermath of the bodyswap. i uploaded one other one already but like,,,,,,,i prefer this one ngl
> 
> anyways if u wanna talk w me abt how much u love malec please hmu on [@battlemagnus](http://battlemagnus.tumblr.com) bc im always ready to cry


End file.
